|We Gotta Build Our Rockets Stronger|
The hardest part of trying to grow up is trying to create some damn regularity for yourself.
Some sense of shit that always happens, regardless. Because if left up to yourself, by yourself, you'd let yourself go crazy. At least I would.
I've started to study in the kitchen.
I tried studying in all the other rooms in my apartment. [Like there are that many].
Where my futon is just has this destracting energy,
and my bedroom makes me want to fall asleep.
There's really nothing that draws me to the kitchen. That's the best excuse for not wanting to stay long. There are dishes that I don't want to wash. No tv. My kitchen chairs from Ikea aren't even that comfortable, and that says a lot about how I feel about kitchen-ing.
I've scheduled to take showers at 10 every night. This is Tuesday, that hasn't happened yet. Maybe Wednesday.
I'm making a lot of chai tea; I make it really strong.
Coffee gives me heart attacks. All the other teas get on my nerves. I don't want to drink something that tastes like flowers. I'll just eat flower.
Usually a cup in the morning, one at night. That feels kinda grownup like. I sit in my uncomfortable ass Ikea chair and drink chai tea while typing in a blog on my powerbook about my personal life- usually what all Ikea customers do.
All this is to say that, I really need rituals in my life. Little things that I can find solace in. There are 50 million things going on that I can't control. 10 million that I can and don't want to. But if I have those stupid little things I can do without thinking, the world will seem a more aight place.
I think my neighbor is dead.
It's hard having nice neighbors who are on dope.
He gave me a teddy bear once, and would always look out when I came home at 3am.
Well, he was probably really waiting on the re-up
But still.
There were a couple times I didn't see him for awhile, but not this long. Every time he would come back he'd have a new black eye or something. I'd ask him what happened, but I knew without knowing. Plus he knew I knew.
He wasn't out there. If you didn't know anything about drugs or the hood, you probably wouldn't suspect he had anything to do with either.
But he did,
and that's unfortunate, because he used to sweep around here and now the streets look like shit.
But the dope fiends come and go. One had a baby, and I thought I'd never see her again. I did. Just never saw any baby.
There's a light skinned one too. She always looks happy. But not in a good way. Her eyes look young, but never there.
There's an old man who wants to have breakfast with me. I've befriended 3 old men since living on this block. He is the happiest looking older man I've ever seen in my life. And never looks high. But there's no real good reason for traveling to the back block every time I see him outside.
He's really nice. Just on that shit.
It was warm today, which made me think of all this. Maybe my neighbor will pop back up like he hibernated?
I'll wait and see, but never ask.
